So my first recap of this season of "The Bachelor" took a little longer to post than I had anticipated.  I wanted to get this out as soon as the show was done but it was not as easy to do.  I am not a bachelor and I also don't posses the 18 days of extra time to work my way through 30 women to find love.  So here is a short recap and a shorter recap to get your memory up to speed about what happened last week.

SHORT RECAP

Host Chris Harrison tells us that we are going to have a "first in The Bachelor history"- a three hour show.  Gag.  It would have been nice if Chris would have given us a heads up that The Limo Rides portion does not start until the 45:00 minute mark and The Cocktail Hour didn't start until the 1:40 minute but he doesn't.  Instead we are going to go meet some of the contestants and visit some viewing parties.

I like the meet the contestant part.  It allows you to break the rule "Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover" and not feel too bad. Some judgements can be nice and some not so much Like Cassie, the speech pathologist.  My wife and I both said, "She is going to go far."  Then there was Catherine.  Catherine, the DJ from Ft. Lauderdale looks like a slightly younger version of Stifler's mom from American Pie.

Chris announces that they will be going live to some viewing parties.  This is where I thought "I bet they go to Washington, IL (Colton's hometown)".  Nope.  Park City, UT instead.  Packed with Bachelor fans that would rather meet Ben Higgins than watch this show for 3 hours.  Me, too, Park City.  Me, too.

Second, location is announced.  My thought, "I bet they go to Denver where Colton and his family currently lives."  Nope.  Headed to Dallas, Texas where two Bachelor alums make dumb virgin jokes.  If you haven't figured out that Colton is a virgin by now, you are watching the show on mute.

Chris says, "Let's go live to a house party at..." Now I am certain that they are going to go to Washington, IL.  Why wouldn't they? The town could use the pick-me-up and the national recognition for something other than a tornado that ripped the town apart in 2013.    Nope.  Going to Lansing, MI for a house party hosted by The Bacholorette losers Blake & Jason.  Boring.

During this nonsense, Chris also lets us know that there is Crystal and Goose in the hot tub in the parking lot.  Also, did you notice the crazy lady in the audience staring through the camera and into your soul? She was to the left of Chris (his right).  Scary.  The producers noticed, too.  She wasn't in the crowd for more than 2 commercial breaks.

Side note: what happened to the segment where the bachelor gets to meet with 3 other former bachelors and talk shop.  They meet at some local brewery, that smells like patchouli and beard wax, and "bro out" over their experiences and IPAs.  I like that segment.

THE LIMO INTRODUCTIONS. FINALLY!

Finally, we get to the cheesy way the girls try to make a first impression, as if sequins and glitter is not enough, when they meet Colton.  First out of the limo is Demi and she says to Colton, "I have not dated a virgin since I was 12, but I'm excited to give it another shot!" WHAT?!?  You were 12?

Fun facts about Demi.  She wants us to know that her mom is a convicted felon and that is she could have lunch with anyone, it would be with Jon Snow.  Yes.  The character from HBO's Game of Thrones.

Other crazy things that happen from the limos introduction:

  • There is a girl dressed, head to toe, in a sloth costume and she stays in character for the entire introduction.  "Heeeeeyyyyy Coolllllltoooooon. I heeeeeaaaaarrrr yooooouuuu liiiiiiiiike tooooooo taaaaaaaaaakkee thhhhhhiiiiiiinnnnnggggsssss slllllooooooooowwwwwlllyyyyy." Get it.  Colton is a virgin.
  • Miss North Carolina comes out wearing her sash.  When she turns it around.  The back says "MISS UNDERWOOD".  If you tell the person that you are ready for marriage you better be ready to spell your married name as "MRS. UNDERWOOD." Also, we have 2 contestants that competed in Miss America.
  • Stifler's Mom has a dog and she brings the dog with her.  Immediately gives the dog to Colton and tells him to take care of her dog. RED FLAG!  As soon as she is in the house, he gives the dog to Chris.

THE COCKTAIL HOUR:

Get ready for the claws to come out!  The main takeaways from the cocktail hour was:

  • Erika, who told Colton to call her "The Nut" in the limo portion, flat could not wait to ask Colton, "Why are you still a virgin?", as if this is a normal question on a first date. Then again this isn't a normal first date.
  • Caelynn, aka "MISS UNDERWOOD", got the first kiss.
  • The sloth finally revealed herself.
  • Hannah G. got the "first impression rose".
  • Stifler's mom interrupted Colton's one on one time FOUR times.  FOUR.  It was hard to watch.  I covered my eyes in horror.

THE ROSE CEREMONY:

Colton kept 23 of the 30 initial contestants.  It is better to list those who got sent packing on the night than who Colton kept:

  1. Revian
  2. The Sloth
  3. Erin aka Cinderella
  4. Devin
  5. Tahzjana
  6. Laura
  7. Adrienne

THE FAVORITES:

Frontrunner: Hannah G

Close second: Caelynn, Cassie, Bri, Demi, Heather

Production forcing Colton to keep her around for drama and content: Stifler's mom- Catherine.

SHORTER RECAP: Too long of a show.  30 women are "ready for marriage".  Some are crazy.

I promised BACHELOR ODDS for you to make the show a little more interesting. Click that link and enjoy.