Last week I had some drama of my own.  I wrote out a thousand plus word recap of Colton's "The Bachelor" Episode 2 and then, I have no clue how, it did not save the draft.  I tried to rewrite it but I couldn't motivate myself to write it again.  So sorry, if you were looking forward to last week's HASSLER RECAPtular.  Quick summary of what happened last week: Elyse put in some serious work in the group date and won the 1st group date rose, Hannah B. had a terrible date and can't give a speech to save her life, Onyeka doesn't like Stifler's Mom, aka Catherine, and Demi is a passive aggressive ageist and I love her for it.

  • FRONTRUNNER FOR THE FINAL ROSE: HANNAH G.
  • OTHER FAVORITES: CASSIE, DEMI, ELYSE, AND BRI
  • SHOULD HAVE BEEN SENT HOME: TRACY, ONYEKA AND HANNAH B.

THE FIRST GROUP DATE

Now on to Episode 3.  We start with a group date.  I don't like group dates.  They are usually boring but not in the early episodes- those are usually competition group dates.  Competition group dates are better than the group dates when they swim with sea lions and such.

The focus of this episode is easily set when Hannah B. says she does not want Cailyn to go on the group date with her.  SURPRISE! Caelynn is going on the group date.

"HEY YOU KNUCKLEHEADS! KNOCK IT OFF!" The girls "arrrrrrree" told they will compete for Colton's heart in a pirate training.  Tracy and Cailynn are chosen as the final two to compete in front of a live audience, even though they are both terrible pirates.  Caelynn wins and Hannah B. starts talking mad dirty business about Caelynn and decides she must let Colton know she is not a good person.

Let me take the time to talk more about Demi.  She does not put up with any nonsense that Tracy or any other of the girls may say about her.  I like Demi.  She will not win but she will make a great "Bachelor in Paradise" contestant.  In 2005 the band Buck Cherry released a song called "Crazy Bitch".  I never really liked the song.  Now every time I see Demi, I hear this song in my head.  It is her to a tee.  It would be her WWE entrance music, no doubt.

Later on in the date, Colton pulls Caelynn aside to talk with her and Hannah B. starts to lose her cool.  I want to remind you of episode 2 when a Hannah B. could not figure out HOW TO MAKE A TOAST ON THE SPOT ON HER BIRTHDAY AND THAT PAGEANT GIRLS SHOULD BE REALLY, REALLY GOOD A SPEAKING IN PUBLIC!!!

Hannah says something stupid to Colton about if he likes Caelynn than he cannot like Hannah B.  Colton responds with giving Caelynn the group date rose.  Hannah B. can ROLL TIDE her way out of this show.  She is a psycho.


 

THE ONE ON ONE DATE

Colton picks Elyse for the date.  I can see it.  He gave he the group date rose last week.  He closes down the amusement park and invites an entire kindergarten class to join them. I swear this has been done before.  Just don't know when.

The date is pretty cool and Colton is definitely getting to be a more like able bachelor.  Elyse gets a rose.

That is all I have to say about this.


 

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION! 

We have made it to the 54:00 mark before somebody has mentioned that Colton is a virgin! A new record for this season, Becca's season and Bachelor in Paradise season.

NOW IS THE TIME TO POINT OUT A GREAT POINT BROUGHT UP ON THE BACHELOR PARTY PODCAST THAT IF THIS WAS THE BACHELORETTE AND SHE WAS A VIRGIN AND PRODUCTION MADE THIS THE FOCUS OF EVERY EPISODE, IT WAS CONSISTENTLY REFERRED TO IN EVERY PROMO AND THE MALE CONTESTANTS BRAGGED ABOUT "TAKING HER V CARD" AND "POPPING HER CHERRY", THE SHOW WOULD BE PROTESTED, HASHTAGGED AND SHUT DOWN IMMEDIATELY.


 

THE SECOND GROUP DATE

This group date is going to be another competition.  This time of strength.  Only because they needed a reason to show Colton with his shirt off.  Terry Crews and his wife, Rebecca King-Crews are going to host the competition.  Lifting tires and pulling limos along with a some sort of run.  The only thing worth watching was little Caitlin pull the limo by herself and then later she can't pull herself out of her rut with Colton and gets sent home early! ZING!


THE POOL PARTY

UGH.  This is brutal.  Colton says he is canceling the cocktail party so he can just relax and enjoy a pool party with the girls.  This whole party turns into a dumpster fire of cattiness and dumb quotes:

"Hannah is deceitful and manipulative," Caelynn to Colton.

Colton asks Hannah B. why would Caelynn say that about you and Hannah B. replies, "Because Caelynn is manipulative and deceitful." Way to spin it, Hannah. She zigs.  You zag.

"I am a tank of rage," says Hannah.  No.  You are a psycho.


 

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Bri, Catherine (aka Stifler's mom and her dog), and Nina get sent home.

Tracy and Caelynn should have been booted, too.

Colton is now down to 15 ladies who will win the chance to deflower him.


THE ODDS TO WIN

  • THE FAVORITE: Hannah G.
  • STILL IN THE HUNT: Cassie, Elyse and Caelynn
  • GO HOME ALREADY, PLEASE: Tracy and Hannah B.
  • PLEASE MORE: Demi